Life and Technology

• 5 minutes ago you were travelling to office at 80 mph. in your brand new car. Now you are travelling to hospital at double the speed in an ambulance, You wish there was 'undo' in life!
• You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was 'find tool' in life!
• You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business,You wish there was 'rebuild all' in life!
• The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice girl at the other end, You wish there was 'zoom & view full screen' in life! IF NOT FOR "Replace"
• After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatcsh, You wish there was an 'evaluation period' or at least a 'sample down load' or a 'demo version'!
And the best one is ............
• One day you realize that you are turning bald, You wish there was 'cut and paste' in life!

If Operating Systems run Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?

Microsoft's eggs!

Microsoft software is a treasure trove of Easter eggs. Here are some.

Let us look at some of the more interesting examples of Easter eggs.

Microsoft Word 6, 7 or 97

*Type "zzzz" (four Zs, without the quotes) in a document, and run the spell checker. The suggested alternative is definitely not what you were looking for. Or was it?

*Type "=rand()" any where and press Enter. Looks familiar?

*Press Ctrl Alt + (plus sign) and your cursor changes into a clover leaf.

Word's Thesaurus eggs are the most hilarious of them all. You may consider some of them quite dumb, but the results are generally entertaining.

Make sure your Language (ToolsLanguageSet language) is set to "English (United States)". Now type each of the following sentences, highlight them, and click Shift-F7 to activate the Thesaurus.

*Unable to find Viagra

*I'd like to see Bill Gates dead

*Love her and leave her

*I'd like to see Bill Clinton resign

*The US Justice Department

*Where do you want to go today?

*Where is hell?

*Bill Gates beats his wife!

And you thought programmers have no humor!

Excel 97

Are you bored working with your spreadsheet? Why not fly around to relax yourself? It seems Excel programmers understood the needs of overworked number crunchers only too well! Ok. Here's how you fly.

*Open a new Worksheet.

*Press F5 (Go to) and type in the range X97:L97, then click OK

*Press the Tab key once (this should get you to cell M97).

*Hold Ctrl-Shift while clicking once on the chart wizard button (the blue-yellow-red barchart icon on the toolbar).

*In a few moments, you will be flying over a ghostly fractal landscape.

Fly around awhile and you'll soon notice a plateau with a shallow depression and a small scrolling shrine to Excel 97 and those who made it happen. The controls are very sensitive and you can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl+Shitf+Esc Microsoft Exchange Server This one displays the credit team for Exchange server and works on v5.0 and 5.5

*Telnet to port 119 of an Exchange server (NNTP port).

*Type "make" and hit the return key.

*Type "money" and hit the return key.

*Type "fast" and hit the return key.

After trying the following one I knew why software is so huge these days. (for Exchange Server v5.0 only)

*Insert the Microsoft Exchange Server 5 installation CD and look for a file called Exgl32.dll.

*Copy this file to your hard disk and change the extension to AVI (rename file as say egg.avi)

*Now you can run this AVI movie.

Different answering machines

These are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From Japanese friend ) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Pls speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Love letter from a S/W professional Dear Ms. ABC,

Baby, I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I 'v been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just uncompiled program without you which never produces a executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */ With this letter, I just want to convey you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.

Only yours, XYZ ( Software Professional )

Time sheets

A Software Engineer dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself." The Software Engineer is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

Normal working day in the life of a engineer

8:30 AM: wake up
8:45AM : Tough decision ; To bath or not.
8:50AM: Have To.
9:15AM: Punch in.
9:20AM: Check Mail.
9:25AM: Check Again just in case...
9:30AM: Since It is already 9:30 wait for tea(9:45AM).
9:45AM: TEA party.
10:00AM:Check Mail.
10:05AM:Check again.Can'nt Believe that no mail has come.Is every body dead or what.
10:20AM: Sudden feeling of loneliness and dsperation. Turn around to look for some body (Any body) to talk to.
10:30AM: Found a guy testing something. Feel real pity for his pathetic,boring and useless existence.
10:40AM:Sudden urge to get some work done and fast. Start looking for the file.(Can't remember it's name)
11:00AM: Boss summons in his office. Bad sign.
11:30AM: How the hell am i suppose to remember everything. Why should I be responsible for everything that goes bad.
11:45AM: Try to locate a scape goat. No body around.
12:00AM: Mood is really bad decide to postpone work till after lunch.
12:30AM: lunch
1:00PM: Lunch over.
1:10PM: Go for a smoke.Can't even smoke in this god forsaken place.
1:35PM: Back from a smoke. It was good. I even did not paid for the cig. the other chap is so foolish.
1:50PM:Mood is good. Decide to go to desi baba.Real sleazy thoughts.
2:30PM: Feeling real sleepy after such a mammoth mental effort.
2:45PM: Tea Time.
3:00PM: Chat and discuss with collegue on the bad state of the company. Blame everybody for incompetence and laziness.
4:00PM: A guy from testing comes for help.(Jerk)
4:11PM:Try to look busy.
4:12PM: He is asking for a technical help.(Real jerk).
4:15PM: After really making him beg for help decide to take a look.
4:50PM: No solution found. really angry on the guy for getting myself involve.
4:55PM: Sudenly boss is spotted in the neighbouring area. Try make as much loud noise as possible with some obscure technical jargon thrown in.
5:00PM: Boss has gone back to his den. Coast is clear.
5:05PM: Blame the problem on RnD.
5:10PM: Check mail. "Yes" a mail has finally arrived.
5:13PM:It's a silly joke and old too. But it felt good.
5:14PM: a quick dash for gate.
5:15PM: Third in punching out.
5:25PM: Reached Room.
5:26PM: TV on.No worth while program.
8:30PM: Still no worth while program. Every body is getting lazi and irreseposible what will happen to this world GOD help us. Curse goverment and RnD.
8:45PM: Food arrives. Pretty bad and stinking.
8:48PM: Dinner finished.

Layoff???

Once upon a time, the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Parliament said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Parliament said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are \\$18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Diary of an Indian Software Engineer

Nov 13. Thursday: My first day in America. JFK Airport NewYork was quite an experience. Steve, the executive from ABCD Consulting received me. Acouple of others who arrived by the same flight also came to join ABCD Consulting. Three were already staying in the guesthouse, making it six of us. The guesthouse is a decent
apartment with twobedrooms. Entire apartment has a wall to wall carpet. Unfortunately, there are only five beds. I volunteered to use the sofa in the living room. Today is the happiest day in my life.

Nov 14. Friday: First day at the ABCD Consulting office.Small office, a cabin for President, a room for marketing people and another one for accounts/HR people. Plus a room for us, Software Engineers. There
were 13 of us, all on 'bench', till we get a client. The first day was spent in filling forms and applying for social security number, opening a bank account etc. (A colleague, Shanker, told me a Social Security Number was very important). The President gathered three of us new comers and briefed us about the work environment at ABCD
consulting. He gave us a few tips on interviews. The more we read more we would be benefited at the interviews, he said. Shankar, my only friend now, gave me a few tips life in America. It is very cold here these days.

Nov 19. Wednesday: Shankar taught me a lesson on the lingo here. It is not America, but US. Everybody here is a 'guy'. We are not Software Engineers, but 'Consultants'. All Indians here are 'Desis'. I ate pizza for the first time in my life. It is OK. Shankar told me, here one should say, "its great", even if you think it is bad. Now, I can identify the different coins. I am learning a lot here. I have been promoted as the 'Chief Cook' at our guesthouse.

Nov 21. Friday: A couple of guys found a client.. One of them is from our guesthouse. I am happy for him and for myself. Now I can sleep on his bed. Sleeping on the couch is uncomfortable. The number of people on bench is now 11, but 3-4 guys from India are expected to join us soon. Called home using the calling card. Felt homesick. Thought if I had made a mistake coming here? America is after all not that great, and India is not too bad. Shankar told me it's a phase everybody on the bench goes through. Once you get a client, everything would be all right he consoled. But, when am I going to get a client? Got my ATM card. Now I know how to use ATM card at the ATM machine. I also learnt to use washer and dryer to do the laundry. I am acquiring a lot of new skills. My skill set is growing.

Nov 27. Thursday: Had a telephonic interview with 'Third Party' (middleman). Desi. He told me, he had a probable client at Atlanta for me. Searched Atlanta on the map. It is in the state of Georgia. Shankar told me the place is full of blacks in Atlanta. I am desperate about the Atlanta interview.Got my Social Security Number. Shankar cautioned the number should not be told to anybody. It's a secret. I wondered, if it should not be told to anybody, then why
should we have it in the first place? Anyway, it's a 9-digit number and very difficult to remember. Temperatures here are below zero here.

Dec 5. Friday: The Atlanta interview never happened. Experienced guys on the bench told me that was not new. Talked to another 'Third Party'. He had a probable client for me in Seattle. I tried to locate Seattle on the map. It is in the state of Washington on the West Coast. Shanker informed me that it rains a lot there. Christmas will be here soon. People have started preparing for it. Today there was snow, the first snowfall I have ever seen with my eyes. It was nice. Everything is covered with snow. Quite a view. Shanker gave me an interesting tip: "Don't ever fall in the hands of Amway guys.

Dec 13. Saturday: One month in US. Beginning to be depressed. Shankar informed me nobody gets a project after 3rd week of December till 2^nd week of January. It is a holiday season. God, please give me a project before the end of next week. Shankar completed one and half months on bench. He will start getting his full pay from next week.

Dec 22. Monday: All hope of getting a project till January second week is gone. It is boring here. Sometimes, I feel like packing up and going back to India. But, I don't have enough money. I am still on the 'bench'. The only good news in the past few days is, rupee has declined against dollar and now is equivalent of Rs 35.45. Today
is the saddest day in my life.

Jan 1. Tuesday: My New Year resolution is to get a client ASAP (US style).

Jan 7. Wednesday: Nobody has got a client in the past two weeks. Our President told us, things have begun to pick up. He advised us to prepare hard for the interviews. I am tired of waiting for interviews. Anyway, Completed one and half month and am on full salary.

Jan 13. Tuesday: A couple of guys found a client yesterday. Things seem to be picking up. Got a call from a 'Third Party'. He had a probable client for me in the Research Triangle area. I don't know where that is. Somebody told me it is in North Carolina. I looked up for North Carolina on the map. It is on the East Coast. Rupee has further declined against Dollar and is equivalent of Rs 36.35.

Jan 15. Thursday: The interview from Research Triangle was OK. The 'Third Party' told me I did well. I have begun collecting information on North Carolina. Now I know the area is called Research Triangle. Shankar got a client. At Denver? Where is this Denver?

Jan 20. Tuesday: I didn't hear anything about that Research Triangle client. 3-4 guys got clients in the past week. When am I going to get a client? God, please give me a client. Its very boring here.. It is boring without Shankar around.

Jan 26. Monday: I had a call from a 'Third Party'. He has a probable client for me in Ohio. I didn't bother to look up for Ohio in the map. Today is the Republic Day of India. Long Live India.

Jan 30. Friday: A lot of things happened. I had an interview with the client from Ohio yesterday. I am selected. Will have to fly to Ohio this weekend. I don't know anything about Ohio. The contract is for three months and it may extend further.

The struggle continues - The First Client (1998)

Feb 2. Monday: My first day at the client. Woke up early. ABCD Consulting booked a motel for two weeks near the client office. Took a cab to office. \\$8. That's too much. I went in formal clothes. The dress code at the client is casual. My manager told me I could come in casuals. The first day was cool. My manager showed me my cubicle
and explained how to use phone, fax, photo copying machine, coffee machine etc. Nice guy. I need to tune up fast to his accent. I am sure he is thinking the same about me. There are a lot of 'Desis' in the office. All 'Consultants'. While coming back from the office, one of the Desis gave me a ride to my motel. He said, he could pick me
up tomorrow morning while going to office. He seemed a nice guy. The problem of commuting to the office is solved. I hope he is not an Amway agent.

Feb 13. Friday: I have now moved into the apartment of one of the Desis. He was looking for a partner. I have to buy a car now. I don't have any credit history. How can I buy a car? Who will give me loan? Which car to buy? How to negotiate? Should I buy a new or old car? Shankar called me yesterday from Denver. He suggested I buy a
Japanese car. He told they give better mileage and have a better resale value. I should start driving lessons now.

Feb 28. Saturday: Bought a car. Honda Civic. Most Desis own either Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic. The dealer arranged for finance. He told me I got a special deal. Took the car to an Indian temple. The Pundit did a 'special' pooja. I paid \\$50 for special pooja! Doesn't matter. It is my first car. I shouldn't forget God after all. I can
now drive to office. I need to buy one more comforter. Sleeping on the floor with one comforter is not comfortable.

March 10. Tuesday: Bought a camera last week. Took some photographs of the car and sent them home. Photographs are very nice. Also sent \\$1000. Parents are surely going to be proud of me. Now, I need to get a US license. Insurance company is not ready to continue giving insurance on IDP. I am not getting many honks now. I am definitely driving better.

March 16. Monday: There is no work at the client's. I wondered, why they hired me? It is boring without work.Thanks to Internet, Email and telephone facility there. What would I have done without these? I keep calling friends from office. I need to control my phone calls to home. This month's telephone bill has hit \\$400. That's too much. I made a lot of calls to India to tell about my new car. I should have avoided that. I also must find out whether there is some better deal with some other long distance company. My car skidded yesterday on the ice. There are minor scratches on rear bumper. I need to be more careful while driving on icy roads.

April 2. Thursday: There is still no work at the client's. It is becoming more and more difficult to pass time during 8 working hours. I passed driving test yesterday. Shankar called me yesterday and told me that, he has quit ABCD Consulting. He has joined another Desi Company, which is paying him 60K. Lucky guy. What am I doing here
on 45K?

April 6. Monday: My client is billed \\$65 per hour for me. That is 65 * 40 = 2,600 per week and 2600 * 52 = $135200 per annum. And how much do I get? Just 45K per annum. ABCD Consulting is cheating me. By the
way, my parents will be proud that their son is worth \\$1,35,200 K per annum.

Sunrise - Change of a job

April 29. Wednesday: My project is extended for another six months. I still don't have any work. But, it doesn't matter as long as I am paid. Heard that, folks in ERP make 70-75K.

July 10. Friday: Been to the Niagara Falls over the weekend. It was fascinating. Took a lot of photographs. Sent those to India too. A lot of things happened in the past two months. ABCD Consulting has given me a hike of 10K. I am now on 55K. But, another Desi Company here has offered 65K and is ready to start Green Card immediately.
Guess I will take it. To hell with ABCD Consulting. After all, I have come here to make some money.

August 15. Saturday: Our Independence Day. Felt homesick. My new H1 has come. Desi companies do H1 pretty quickly. I will be at the same client, but through my new consulting firm, XYZ Consulting from next week. Rupee has declined further against dollar in last few days to 39.40. That's good news for NRIs like me.

September 10. Thursday: Started GC processing. People say it takes almost four years to process GC. Why are so many guys behind GC? Received a letter from Dad. He wants me to get married. They have already started looking for girls there. He asked my expectations. What are my expectations? She should be a software engineer, able to
get a job here. Then both of us can work and save a lot of money. I am at 65K right now. Let's say, she will get another 55K. Then together we will be earning 120K. Wow! That's very attractive. I can then buy a Lexus within few years. Rather, I should save more, than buying a Lexus. But, before getting married I need to have everything
in the home here. Right now I don't have a bed. I still sleep on the floor; of course it's a carpeted floor. I need to find a separate apartment. There are so many things. Let's wait for another year at least. I should write to Dad about it soon. Peoplesoft professionals are getting around 80K. When can I get 80K???

September 13. Sunday: For the first time after coming to the US. I seriously thought about a weekend. Otherwise Sunday is the busiest day of the week. Shanker used to say that we should say Sundays are great and fun. I wondered why? Decided to buy a TV. Heard a good one is going to cost me \\$100. Will look for a cheaper one.

September 14. Monday: Shanker sent me e-mail. His brother was brought to the US by ABCD. He was sent back after a week because he thought he cannot find a client. Heard ABCD is not doing great. Legal problems it seems. In fact it had shifted base to Dallas, Texas i'm told (I know where Dallas is). Thought about home. Wanted to make a
phone call. Then decided against it. Very little time left on my phone card. Will try to call from my office phone. They are asking me to come home as soon as possible. They have seen some girls it seems.

September 18, Friday: Plan to go to Las Vegas. Shanker has invited me there. He is also coming there. Heard it is a great place. Lots of Casinos. Must not spend money. I plan to have a home ready soon. Got an offer for 70K through Shanker's friend. It is in San Francisco. I forgot to check if it was a Desi company.

September. 20 Sunday: Las Vegas did not happen. It is boring. After all the work, weekends are really boring. Ate a pizza after a long time. Got tired of making 'Sambar' at home. Feels better now. Was thinking about an Indian boy I saw at the gas station. Wondered if ABCD had brought him to the US. Called home. They want to send me photographs of girls. I have to say yes to one of them. Might have to go home soon. Must begin to ask for leave.

September. 25 Friday: Didn't find time to write the diary during the week. Too much work. Unless I work like this theywon't give me leave.

October. 3 Saturday: Saw the photographs of the girls. There were four of them. My parents have short-listed them out of 20. Two of those girls are good looking (I used to look okay before I came to US. Become fat now.)

October.5 Monday: Got leave for 25 days. Plan to get married during the holiday. Home sick. It is nearly one year since I left home. Must book tickets tomorrow otherwise I will end up wasting some of the holiday here.

October. 14 Wednesday: Booked tickets finally. Starting for India on 28th. Heard there is a lot of rush to India. It is marriages season there. I am thinking about those two girls. One is a B.Tech and the other is an MCA. Which will be better? Must be careful before saying yes.

October. 18 Sunday: Shanker came down to see me during the weekend. He is going to India tomorrow. Getting married it seems. He did not even see the girl. His parents have fixed it. Shanker says the girl is rich so he is not worried that he has not seen her.

October. 23 Friday: Can't wait to go home. Did some shopping. Missed some of those sales where you could get everything cheap. Anyway bought some T-shirts. Made in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh. Wonder why we don't get this quality in India. Bought lot of chocolates too.

October. 28 Wednesday: New York. Met a black at a cafe. He asked me for a dollar. I remembered Shanker's advice to stay away from Blacks. But I gave him the dollar he asked because I was afraid of him. He looked a nice guy moreover.I think I have decided on the B.Tech girl. She seems a better choice. Rich family.

You may be an ENGINEER...

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

If you have never backed-up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens are living among us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your checkbook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what http:/ stands for

If you've ever tried to repair a \\$5.00 radio

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Future Cinema titles

English

BASIC instance
James Bond 8088
SAP Sense
LISP World
Mac Witch project

Telugu

Java Veerudu--CGI sundari
COBOL kaatesindi
ASP yemaindi
RPG Rowdi
Lotus lo lolli
VISA Victory
Office lo Yahoo-Intlo hu hu
SAP sarigamalu
Client dorikada leda?
Y2K raatri
Domino Bullodu
Akkada Java--Ikkada raava
Kadam thokkina Programmer
Anaga Anaganaga Oka website
Munchina MidRange
India vellalani undi
Dikku Teleyani Dollar
Detroit Simham
Boston puli
NewYork pandavulu
Ma Edison Rayudu
Idhi Job antaara!
Fire aina Mogudu-Job vachhina pellam
Vayyari Client-Vagalamaari Employer
Date maarchina Fate
Dikku Teleyani DBA
Chicago Chinnodu
Debug chesukundam ra

Some more millenium movies...

1. Srivaariki e-mail
2. Maa Ayana Consultant
3. Roudi PM - Goonda PL
4. Benchi veerudu
5. Naaku H1 kaavali
6. Pagabattina COBOL
7. H1 Ammayi-B1 Abbayi
8. SAP Programarlu Bagunnara!
9. PL Maa Aavide!
10. PM nu Munchina PL
11. Iddaru BodyShopparla Muddula Contractor
12. Devathalara Deevinchandi (COBOL programmer)
13. Neeku 40K Naaku 60K (Body shopper)
14. Aarambam Kadidi Antham (Jan 1 2000).
15. Siva (Guy who declared war against PL)
16. chanti (new comer to US)
17. Mosagallaku Mosagadu (Consultant after 6 months in US)
18. Stamping ku Velayara.
19. Chilipi Consultant
20. Gujju baba.. 40 Consultants
21. Penki PL-Mondi Contractor
22. Evandi !! H1 vachhindi.
23. Anaganaga oka client.
24. Clientu-Consultantla savaal.
25. Rangula raatnam (US, for 1st time entered H1)
26. Antuleni katha (on bench)
27. Kshana Kshanam (bench period)
28. Dalapathi (after 3 years in US)
29. Raavoyi.. Clientu Maama.
30. Nireekshana. (for project).
31. Client neeku.. Cash naaku.
32. Java priyudu.
33. Kante consultantne kanu.
34. Java veerudu ASP sundari
35. Aa okkati adakku. (hike)
36. Vaali (H4)
37. Jobu Nachhindi.
38. Neram naadi kaadu, clientudi.
39. Kishkindha kaanda (Consultant Company)
40. Kante H1 ne kanu.

Bhadram be careful brotheru..

Bhadram be careful brotheru, Foreign poke programmeru, H1 maate vaddu guru, Indian bathuke so betteru.

Foreign trippu kottesaamani aanandinche potu gaallu, Aa trippe thama life ku death ani alochinchaka chedathaaru,, Flight ekke muhurthame.. manodi sukhaala muginpu chapteru.

Job kani.. Flight enduku raa?? hydraabaad chaalu.. Etu choosnaa,, okataa rendaa, software companylu. Bihar lundhaa?? Assam lundhaa?? ee software jaalam,, Rest of India ki lene lede ee pichaachaaram,, Enduku neekee grahachaaram...

|| Bhadram be careful brotheru ||

Food kani,, day and night chaakiri chesthaavu, Thechinadhi, income taxu chethilo posthaavu. H1 lantu, Green card antu pichodivavthaavu. Gaadini daatani gaanuga eddai brathukem chestaavu.. BONDED BAANISAVAVUTHAAVU.

|| Bhadram be careful brotheru ||

Fwd: Mail

When I have nothing to say,
But still want to keep in touch,
Guess what I do,
I forward mails!!!!

When I have something to say,
But don't know what,
Or don't know how,
Guess what I do,
I forward mails!!!!

When I have something to say,
But don't know why, Guess what I do,
I forward mails!!!!

When I have something to say,
But don't have enough time,
Guess what I do,
I forward mails!!!!

When you are still wanted,
When you are still remembered,
When you are still important,
When you are still loved,
When you are still cared for,
Guess what you get?
A FORWARDED MAIL!

Back to the Future Year : 2020
Location : IBM Inc., US of A

These are two AMERICANS in the middle of an important conversation.

Mr.Alex : Hi John, u didnt come yesterday ?
Mr.John : yeah, i went for the stamping

Alex : Oh really, what happened, i heard nowadays it has become very strict
John : Yeah, but i managed to get it

Alex : how long it took to get it stamped ?
John : oh, it was nasty here, long queue , Bill Gates was standing in front of me, they screwed him like anything, thats why it got delayed, i went there at 2 AM in the morning itself and waited and returned by 4 in the evening.

Alex : really, in India, it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for US
John : yeah

Alex : So, when are u leaving ?
John : Anytime, after receving my tickets from the client in India

Alex : How long r u going to stay in India
John : i will be settled in india, my company has promised me that they will process my BLUE card

Alex : Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a BLUE card in India
John : Yeah, thats why, i am planning to marry an Indian girl there

Alex : But you can find lots of US girls in Brigade road, Residency road, MG road in Bangalore
John : but , i prefer indian girls, good cultured people

Alex : where did u get the offer, bangalore ?
John : Yeh, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is 1000 Rs for a single room accomodation.

Alex : i see, thats too much for US people, Rs 1 = \\$ 100 , oh god ! what abt in chennai, mumbai?
John : no idea, but it is difficult to get any accomodation whatsoever in chennai

Alex : i heard , almost all the indians are having one personal ROBO for help
John : u can get a BMW car for Rs 500, and a personal ROBO for less than Rs 750.

Alex : by the by, what is u r client company name ?
John : Pillaiyar systems, a pure Indian company. specialising in embbeded software

Alex : oh, really , lucky to work in a pure indian company, they are really intelligent
John : Most of the companies in US also planning to open their office at India.

Alex : how are u going to cope with their language ?
John : Why not ? from my school days i ve been learning Tamil as my first language here at New york. u, know ? at the counselate they tested my proficiency in tamil , since i knew hindi also a little bit, i got it very easily.

Alex : so , u r going to have fun there,
John : yeah, i will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famouse koliwood where u can see actors like, Kamal, Ajith, Simran and all. Vishnu Land is also near by koliwood.

Alex : u know, Vajpayee is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then, relax the number of visas
John : Thats, true, last month Narayanamurthy visited White house, Bill gates also got a chance of meeting him, very lucky person.

Alex : But , indian govt is planning to split Narayanamurthy's Infosys
John : He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this, everyminute he is getting Rs 1000, it seems, if u keep all his money converted as Rs.100 notes u can reach the pluto

Alex : ok, good luck John
John : Same to u Alex

Now and then

Remember your school days and the General Knowledge Tests?
Below is a comparison of the GK tests we faced in our school days and the one our next generations might have to face.

THEN 1. Who wrote the book 'Discovery of India' ?
(a) Jawaharlal Nehru (b) M K Gandhi
(c) Indira Gandhi (d) Mother Teresa
NOW 1. Where would you find the author of the book 'Discovery of India? (a) www.india.co.in
(b) www.amazon.com
(c) www.allbooks.com
(d) www.discovery.com

THEN 2. The wolf belongs towhich of the following category of animals:
(a) The cat family (b) The Rodents
(c) The dog family (d) None of these
NOW 2. Which of the following web-site gives complete info on wolf?
(a) www.wolf.com
(b) www.yahoo.comanimalswolf.htm
(c) www.oxforduniv.edusciencezoologymain.htm
(d)www.search.comcgi-inquery?pg='wolf@&'

THEN 3. Which of the following is fastest?
(a) Horse (b) Cheetah (c) Deer (d) Rabbit
NOW 3. Which of the following is fastest?
(a) T2 line (b) 56k modem (c) 2MbpsVSAT (d) E1 Connection

THEN 4. How much time does it take for a car going at 40mph to cover 160 miles?
(a) 4 Hrs (b) 1 Hour (c) 2 Hrs (d) 30 mins
NOW 4. How much time does it take to download a 40MB mpeg using a 28k modem?
(a) Less than 2hrs (b) More than 3 Hrs (c) More than 5 hrs

THEN 5. Which of the following is NOT one of the Wonders of the World
(a) The Taj Mahal (b) The Leaning Tower of Pisa
(c) The Eiffel Tower (d) The Great Wall of China
NOW 5. Which of the following is NOT a search engine?
(a) Yahoo (b) Altavista (c) MSN (d) Search

THEN 6. Which of the following countries has the highest population?
(a) USA (b) China (c) India (d) Canada
NOW 6. Which of the following has the highest number of Subscribers?
(a) AOL (b) Hotmail (c) ICQ (d) MS

THEN 7. What do the following abbreviations stand for?
UNO CIA GMT BBC
NOW 7. What do the following abbreviations stand for?
URL HTTP JPEG AVI
THEN 8.Match the columns:
A B
Japan London
USA New Delhi
India Tokyo
England Washington
NOW 8. Match the olumns
A B
Navigator Symentec
Explorer Netscape
Visual Cafe Intel
Pentium Microsoft

THEN 9. Write a Formal Letter in reply to an invitation to a function. Bring out the differences between this letter and a Business letter.
NOW 9. Describe the steps to reply to an e-mail, inviting you for an on-line-chat. Also mention how would you 'forward' it to a group of 20 people.

THEN 10. Write a brief essay on 'My Pet Dog'
NOW 10. Write a brief essay on 'My Web-Page'