"WIFE" = Worries Invited For Ever

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
* Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
* Milton Berle

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
* Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
* Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

And finally "WIFE" = Worries Invited For Ever

Wife 1.0 Upgrade

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A 'Don't remind me again' button
* Minimize button
* An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that sucks--all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

****** BUG WARNING ******
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

****** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Marriage Quotes

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is
not the only thing in life!!
--Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily
taxed. It is not fair that
some men
should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde

I don't worry about terrorism. I
was married for two
years.
--Sam Kinison

It's not true that married men
live longer than single
men. It only seems longer.
--Anonymous

A psychiatrist is a person who
will give you expensive
answers that your wife will give you
forfree.
--Anonymous

Bachelors know more about women
than married men; if they
didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than
women; for one thing, they
marry later; for another thing, they die
earlier.
--H. L. Mencken

"Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street bald
and still think they are beautiful."

Marriage is a three ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

When a newly married couple
smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles,
everyone wonders why.

A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
Love is blind but marriage is an
eye-opener.

The most effective way to
remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

When a man opens the door of his
car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car
is new or the wife.

When a man is single, he's
incomplete. When he's married,
he's finished