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| Miscellaneous jokes Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey...Is dat you ? Come over here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?" DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Guide: I welcom u all to niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intesity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by sound can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagra falls?
My best friend - ???? I fell in love with her when I was very young. I have spent more than one - third of my life in her company. She is so bold and brave that she comes to my room even at odd times. I have warned her not to come during the daytime. Once she came to see me in the class. The teacher got very wild and shouted at me, "If you can't live without her, you are most welcome to leave the class and accompany her." I left the classroom, but I was in no mood to go with her. At night, when I was waiting for her, she kept me waiting before she finally arrived. I did not let her go early the next morning. Suddenly my mother entered the room and we were caught red-handed. No, no we are not 'those' kinds. Let me introduce her to you all.meet my best friend - SLEEP.
Some funny facts! absent Minded Person : One Who stands in front of the mirror for hours trying to remember where he had seen the person before. Love affaires : Something like cricket where one - day internationals are more popular than a five - day test series. cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire on one side and a fool on the other. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by the feminine water power. Smile: A small curve that makes many things straight. Compromise: A art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Life insurance: Keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage...............
Theorem : 3=4
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero
Theorem: 1\\$(dollar) = 1c(cent).
Theorem: 1 = -1 .
Theorem: 4 = 5
Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2
Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Enjoy the anagrams! Word When you rearrange the letters
Dormitory Dirty Room
A man chases a woman until she catches him.. - american proverb I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain On Accuracy ------------ Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.. On slimness ----------- If you wish to grow thinner, dimish your dinner.. On Ability ---------- Ability is what will get you to top if the BOSS has NO daughter.. On Absence ----------- I was court martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence -Brendan Behan Presents, I often say, endear absents../ absence - Charles Lamb for those who would like to know endear... endear means to make dear or beloved. On Accidents ------------- The best insurance against car accidents is a sunday afternoon nap.. On Accountant -------------- An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did!
Conversation with a Marketing guy.........
X Which shaving cream do you use?
X: Which toothpaste do you use?
X: Which banian do you use?
X: Which vests do you use?
X(Bugged up) : Accha tell me, What is this Baba? Is it international company??? X: *???*
Once three tortoises went to a picnic.The picnic spot was 10 Km. away from there house. So it took them 10 days for them to rech there.They took lot of things with them, burgers, pastries , cold drinks etc.etc. But when they reached there they realised that they have forgotten the bottle opener.Now, whatz a burger without a Cold drink. So two of them managed to pursuade the third one to go back and bring the bottle opener on the PROMISE that they will not eat anything till the third one returned. Well the third one was quite stupid.He agreed and departed to the house to fetch the bottle opener. 10 days passed, 20 days passed , 30 days passed , but he did not return. The condition of the two got worse.They were hungry, but one of them said "Promise is a promise.We will not eat till the third one returns". Well 40 days passed , 50 days passed.One of them really was dying.But the other one said," hold on , jus wait for 2-3 days , I am sure he will return" now 60 days passed, both were on the death bed.So they finally decided to eat. As they took the first bite , the one who had gone to fetch the bottle opener, appeared form the back of a rock. He said," I knew that U r going to ditch me and eat everything , thats why I didnt go". Hope u enjoyed it!!!!
Bill and Hillary Clinton are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into their tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window and says, "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and they leave. As they drive, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill, smiles softly and says, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
Let's face it--English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a few and quite a lot are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the other day. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or piccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
In a certain Bar, the following people met - British man / American / Chineese / Pakistani and last but not the least -an INDIAN All of them were about to have their glass of beer Suddenly the British man saw that there was a fly in his glass of beer ! -He gets frustrated and says -"Hell man -This is a dirty place" - and throws the glass of beer with the fly into the bin. The American also finds a fly in his glass of beer ! he says "fuck the fly man - who cares for a fly" and throws the fly out and drinks the beer.
It so happens that the Chineese also finds a fly in his beer -he
just takes the fly and eats it and throws the beer away.
The Pakistani too finds a fly in his beer and promptly blames the Indian for the fly and starts a fight !-He ask's the American for a loan {TO BE READ AS BEG'S } (as always) and buys a new beer. The INDIAN also sees a fly in his beer - You know what he did ?? - HE SOLD THE FLY TO THE CHINEESE AND SOLD THE BEER TO THE AMERICAN. WITH THE MONEY THAT HE GOT HE BOUGHT HIMSELF A NEW BEER !!- Whichever way u look at it, INDIANS are more smarter!
aati kyaa Khandaalaa
Learn a lot of languages...the easier way!!! Mumbai Hindi:
Sanskrit:
Hindi:
Bengali:
Marathi:
Punjabi:
Sindhi:
Gujarati:
Magahi: (BIHARI)
Kannada:
Tamil:
Malayalam:
Telugu:
Konkani:
Kashmiri:
English:
Zambesi: (African)
Chinese:
Russian:
Spanish:
Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton.
Gen. Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan.
Lallo Yadav visits God and asks him: God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state.
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?" "I gotta go, man," replied the tourist. "You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered. The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. "No. This is the American Embassy."
When Lalloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed Rabridevi, stressing that it should be of international quality.The stamps were duly released, and Lalloo was pleased. But within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Lalloprasad. She said: "the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our Biharis are spitting on the wrong side".
If opposite of 'pro' is 'con', what is the opposite of 'progress' ? If you're answer is 'congress' then that's 100% true as far as Indian political parties on that name.
At age 4, success is......................not peeing your pants.
A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US: Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should say 'I am fine, and you ?' Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth is .... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You ?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor "Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.." Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.
In short:
If you kiss him, he kisses you back If you don't, he patiently waits If you praise him, he says thanks you If you don't, he feels secure in your love If you agree to all his likes, you have met your fantasy man If you don't, you still get along If you visit him often, he welcomes you every time If you don't, he'll visit you instead If you are well dressed, he says you are beautiful If you don't, you are still beautiful If you are jealous, he reassures you and holds you If you're not, he gives you no reason to be If you attempt a romance, he sweeps you off your feet If you don't, he'll love you from afar If you are a minute late, he is grateful for your arrival If he is late, he apologizes and makes it up to you If you visit another man, he is secure that you love only him If he is visited by another woman, you are secure that he loves only you If you kiss him once in a while, he's appreciative of your affection If you kiss him often, he will always have you on his mind If he fails to help you in crossing the street, you know you're a big girl If he does, he shows that he'll always be there for you If you stare at another man, he knows that you're only admiring If he is stared at by other women, you know why -- he's one hot babe If you talk, he'll always listen If you listen, he'll tell you anything you want to know In short: So complex, yet so direct So strong, yet so supportive So dazzling, yet so humble So passionate, yet so marvelous... ..MEN!
If you're well dressed, he thinks you're out to flirt, If he's well dressed, he's just being presentable. If u gossip, u r interfering, If he gossips, it's politics If u enquire about his friends, u r a flirt, If he does , 'oh! we r just social'. If you visit him often, he thinks you're boring, If he does, he assumes 'it must be interesting'. If you're a minute late, he complains, "It's hard to wait.", If he's a minute late,he says 'he was busy'. If you propose love within a brief acquaintanceship, you're impulsive, If he proposes love within a brief acquaintanceship, he's decisive, If you don't listen to him , you 'don't care', If he doesn't, he's independant. If you're jealous of his girlfriends, he says it's bad, If he's jealous of ur boyfriends ,he says 'it proves his love'. If you talk, it's 'small talk', If he talks, its intellectual. If you contradict him, u r illiterate, If he contradicts u, it's legitimate. "Oh!!! men!!!" Seem powerful, yet so weak(in the head). Seem so open, yet so hypocritical So CHAUVINISTIC & EGOISTIC.
Americanisation effect on our rituals at a temple... Before Pooja the priest will no more ask for your name. Your social security No.will do. 2 types of prasad will be available --Normal Prasad, Diet Prasad.
When u ask for prasad, the priest will ask you
Also panchamrut will be of 4 types :
You don't tip the priest on the plate when he gives the prasad, you should swipe your visa card on his scanner. You no more go around the temple from left to right. This is America where you drive on the right(wrong) side. Due to fire hazard, no more aarati,only flashlights will be used. To prevent noise pollution, all bhaktas need to use headphones to listen to the GONG of the bell during flashlight-tee.(aar-tee) Soft copies of the lord are on sale at \\$1 per image. The priest will no longer read the mantra from books, he will use his laptop instead. Pooja in your name will be performed by a click on the mouse. Personal data from your Social Security (provided earlier to the priest) will be programmed to produce your personal combo of the pooja in your name.... The temple would re-cycle the flowers used everyday to protect the environment. Sponsors of all poojas will be allowed to display a 100X150 pixel banner on the temple's website. The temple will sponsor this year's NBA / NFL matches.(to gain publicity, of course).
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
Tarun: How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Patient: What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much
help.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Diner: Waiter,look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Almost bald man: Why do u always charge me double? You ought to charge me cheaper for I don't have much hair!
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
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